1) Bros before hoes. The bond between two men is stronger than that between a man and a woman because on an average, men are stronger than women. That’s just science.
2) A bro is always entitled to do something stupid as long as the rest of his bros are all doing it. For example… If only one Spanish dude were to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would have been like “Dude, come on!!”. The license to be stupid is why we have bros in the first place.
3) If a bro gets a dog, it must be atleast as tall as his knee when full grown. Corollary to this states, naming a lap-dog after a pro-wrestler or a character from a Steve McLain movie does not absolve a bro from this article.
4) A bro never divulges the existence of the bro code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason.
NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we’re from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.* Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.
5) Whether he cares about sports or not, a bro cares about sports.
6) A bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other bros in a gym locker room. Corollary to this states, if a bro gets naked in the locker room, all other bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while at the same time immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage. If your towel drops to the ground, so should your eyes.
7) A bro never sends a greeting card to another bro. There are no sentiments between two bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail.
8) A bro never admits he can’t drive stick even after an accident.
9) Should a bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow bros will not make lame jokes such as “Gimme three” or “Wow!! Quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball!!” It’s still a hi-five and that bro still has a lot of balls, metaphorically speaking of course.
10) A bro will drop whatever he is doing and rush to help his bro dump a chick. It’s normal for a bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some reason he is worried she will become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to hook up with her friends. This is when a bro most needs his bro to remind him that there are plenty of chick in the ocean and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful or even time- consuming. How to dump an chick in 6 words or less…
– “Maybe try a side salad instead.”
– “Cute!! You ‘re growing a moustache too!!”
– “She looks like a younger you!!”
– “I will finance a boob job.”
– “Sorry I threw your shoes out.”
– “Your sister let me do that!!”
11) A bro may ask another bro to help him move. But only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large furniture pieces. If the bro has vastly underestimated, either his bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are, in most cases stuck in a door-way.
12) Bros do not share dessert.
13) All bros shall dub one of their bros his wingman.
14) If a chick enquires about another bros’ sexual history, a bro shall honor the Br-ode of silence and play dumb. Better to have women think that all men are stupid than to tell the truth.
15) A bro never dances with his hands above his head.
16) A bro should be able to recite anytime the following reigning champions: Super bowl, World series and Play Mate of the year.
17) A bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers unless they are beneath him on the pyramid of screaming. America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder and the tradition has been screamed to generation from generation. But you just can’t scream at anybody. You can only scream beneath you.
18) If a bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group.
Note: To avoid confrontation it’s a good idea to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.
19) A bro shall not sleep with another bro’s sister. However, a bro shall not get angry if another bro says “Dude, your sister’s hot!!”. Corollary, it is probably better for everyone if bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other bros are coming over. When in doubt refer to the check list for bro-proofing your home.
20) A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they’ve selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.
21) A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying “she’s smoking-hot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting.
22) There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro. Women make excellent bros because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the chick code (Chick do have the chick code!!).
23) When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions surgery programs.
24) When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.
25) A Bro doesn’t let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girls name. The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts 83 days. The relationship between man and his skin lasts a life time and must be nurtured because the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has.
26) Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.
27) A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach. Corollary, a bro with a coat of fur on his back, keeps that thing covered at all times even at resort, pool or beach.
28) A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a fight between two fellow human beings of the female variety. If an informed bro is unable to witness the fight first hand, a spotter bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of girl fight via pictures, video or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.
29) If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40pm. Also despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.
30) A Bro doesn’t comparison shop.
31) When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.
32) A Bro doesn’t allow another Bro to get married until he’s at least thirty.
33) When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, “What is this, a chicks’ restroom?” if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to basketball toss his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball…rebounding is optional.
34) Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil’s Three-way.
35) A Bro never rents a chick flick.
36) DD: When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.
37) A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly they’re not that heavy.
38) Even in a fight to the death a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.
39) When a Bro gets a chicks number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her. The reason is Bro-flation. An unreasonable increase in female expectations about how bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends that you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships and all because you couldn’t wait 96 little hours.
40) Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as “a bachelor party.”
41) A Bro shall not demonstrate proper spotting technique to another Bro in the gym that involves touching. If other Bros notice this happening to a fellow Bro, eyes shall be diverted away from scene and will attempt to leave area immediately.